Merlin drabbles
by Holmes1216
Summary: In which Fans screaming at the Telly are heard and Merlin looks shamelessly hot in chain mail..
1. Chapter 1 Shamelessly hot in chainmail

Merlin runs from evil stuff in full knight uniform

_Ohmigod! Who else thinks that Merl looks far to hot in chainmail?_

Freya suddenly appears and sticks up her hand "I do!" she yells

Merlin melts "FREYA?"

"Yeah?"

_Well thats a bit of a disappointment..._

"Hey!" yells the pair, shaking their fists at the sky.

_I LOVE YOU MERLIN! YOU AWESOME HOT WARLOCK!_

Freya yells

"MERLIN'S MINE BITCH!"

_Christ! Scary lady..._

"AND YOU'D BETTER BELIEVE IT!"

Merlin backs away slowly chainmail looking incredibly hot.

_Wow, Arthur should really let him wear Knight uniform more often...  
_

_Uh...sorry Fangirl moment_


	2. Chapter 2 King Snotface

In a land of myth and a time of magic...The destiny of a great kingdom-

_HA! Great? Under the rule of King Snotface who executes everything that's marginally cooler than him? Not likely!_

The dragon snorted "You again. Why me?"

_MEEEEE! Hi you over grown newt!_

"Hey!" he growled

_Oh stuff it! We all know your just John Hurt and some CGI!_

"I will kill you for that!" he cried

_Ooh I **so** scared! Come and get me!_

"Er...how?"

_Oh for gods sake...Just cut to Colin Morgans insanely cute eyes turning the awesome gold!_

"Fine!"

_Fine!_


	3. Chapter 3 Never call him 'Merl'

Arthur walks up to Merlin who just stopped his bullying

"Do I know you?" Arthur asked. Merlin grins

_CUTE! FANGIRL PARTAY!_

"I'm Merlin"

"So I don't know you."

"No"

_Well, DUH!_

"Yet you called me friend"

_Yeah, go on Mastermind. Special subject: The bleeding obvious!_

"WILL YOU SHUT UP!?".

_Christ! Okay!_

"Yeah I see that was my mistake, I could never have a friend who was such an ass!"

_You tell him Merl!_

"First, could you stop talking? And never and I mean_ ever_ call me Merl!"

_Sheesh! Fine I won't call you Merl...much *shifty eyes*_


	4. Chapter 4 YEAH CANADA!

"Oh don't run away!" he drawled, hoping to aggravate the infuriating boy and get him in trouble once more. The boy stopped

"From you?" he asked, annoyed. Arthur grinned

_You really are a prat aren't you?_

Arthur ignored the voice and continued taunting the raven

"Thank god, I thought you were deaf as well as dumb!" he intoned. The boy smirked

"Look I've told you you're an ass, I just didn't know you were a royal one" he said

_YEAH CANADA! Feel the burn Arthur!_

Both boys looked up at the sky from where the mysterious voice came from and said

"Yeah, Canada?"

_YEAH!_

"What?"

_What?_

"What?

_Oh for gods sake never mind!_


	5. Chapter 5 Depressing!

Morgana sat alone in her hovel, sad and lonely

_Well, thats kinda depressing_

Morgana looked up at the obviously female voice and decided dshe liked this snarky individual "I know right. And would you look at this dress! It just screams evil depressed and broke!"

_Wow, I know. And the eyeshadow! Hidious!_

"Thats mine! I chose that!"

_Oh...!Hashtag AWKWARD!_


	6. Chapter 6 A nice, ripe frog

Gwen walked into Arthur's chambers after recieving the poison from her 'friend' Morgana

_ARGH! YOU BITCH! I HATE YOU! YOU HAD BETTER BE UNDER SOME ENCHANTMENT LADY OR I AM COMING IN THERE AND..._

Gwen went wide eyed at the rather graphic description of her painful demise when her husband came in

"Guinevire! Whatever is the matter?" he asked. In answer she pointed to the sky

_Oh don't worry I was just telling her how you could fry a queen in Magic sauce!_ It made up rather quickly. Arthur frowned

"Magic sauce? Whats that?" he asked

_Well, you take a nice, ripe frog, **squeeze** it..._

Arthur, went green.


	7. Chapter 7 Off her meds

Merlin yelled up at the dragon, telling him off soundly in dragon tongue before-

_YEAH TAKE THAT YOU GREAT OVERSIZED, UNDER BRAIN, IDIOTIC, FOOL, PRAT FACED DRAGON! YOU TELL HIM MERLIE!_

The Great Dragon's eyes widened in horror "Merlie?" it rumbled, horrified. His Dragon Lord gulped and nodded

"Just think this whenever you hear her: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

_HECK YEAH! *bursts into Kelly Clarkson* PARTAY AT MINE!_

"How long has she been off her medicines for?"

_Only a few minutes! Isn't it great, Merlie?! *manic laugh*_

"Oh god"

"Tell me about it mate"


	8. Chapter 8 War of the naratives!

Arthur walked through the corridors proudly

_You mean 'pratly'?_

_No, proudly_

_Pratly!_

Proudly!

_Pratly!_

OH! Will you just shut up? It's all just 'chatter chatter chatter' in ITALICS for gods sake! Do you ever stop talking?

_Well...at least I don't over use adjectives! And what about those similes! Worse I've never seen!_

Hey!

_And those metaphor's! Worst I've seen** in my life!**_

At least I'm not an, unloved, ungrateful, stuck up PRETTY VOICE!

_HOW **DARE** YOU!?_

HA!

_I** HATE** YOU!_

FINE!

_FINE!_

Meanwhile, Arthur cleared his throat-

_In a **prattish** way_

"I'm still here you know"_  
_


	9. Chapter 9 You Will Be Terminated

_Do. It. NOW!_

Merlin gulped "Yes, okay!" Gwaine winked at the sky and grinned his trademark grin

"Anything for you Milady"

_Try to flirt with me Gwaine. Just you try. You. Will. Be. Terminated.  
_

They both gulped, The Voice scared the hell out of everyone, he could just picture The Voices eyes narrowing

So, at 'her' orders, Gwaine and Merlin proceeded to fill Arthur's helmet with glue and complete other mindless pranks. It was fun until...

"So, voice person, wanna go to the tavern with me?" Gwaine tried

_You know I can compel you to remove your oh so lovely hair with a butter knife, don't you?  
_

Gwaine, gulped


	10. Chapter 10 Flora

_Now, aren't we all going to sit in order, like, nice, little, **OBEDIENT**, children?_

The knights shuffled miserably "Yes...Mother" Percival tugged at the frilly cuffs of his dress that he had been literally forced into

"Why did we agree to this?" he muttered to Gwaine, who grimaced, and tried once more to wrestle his tutu into submission

"We didn't, she made us remember" he murmured back. The voice turned it's wrath on him

_WHAT WAS THAT, PENELOPE?_

It screamed. Gwaine pursed his lips and smiled

"Nothing, _mammy_" he growled. He could almost hear The Voice pouting

_Do the voice_ It commanded

"Nufink, mummy" he lisped in a high pitched voice. Arthur strode into the hall and immediately regretted it when the guards swooped upon him with lipstick and a hideous pink dress, he was plopped down in the frilly armchair next to Gwaine

_Now, you need a name, how about, **Flora?**_

Arthur, screamed.


	11. Chapter 11 Cookies

Arthur walked around a house in the lower town to find around fifty children, staring up at the sky in great admiration as it spoke

_And then Sirius Black grew his massive shark teeth **AND HE BIT THE KIDS HEAD OFF!**_

A little Asian girl began to cry. A teenage girl called Cho put her hand on the little girls shoulder and looked up at the sky

"That is the biggest piece of bullshit I ever heard" in a very strange accent. Arthur could almost hear the pout in her voice

_Well, lets go see the Shrieking Shack Y'all!_ The kids ran screaming to their mothers. The voice spoke up again

_Anyone who gets that reference will get a plate of cookies_

He looked up at the sky

"Who are you talking to?"

_Er..._


	12. Chapter 12 Kittens

Merlin opened his eyes as they turned back to their normal blue. In front of him was a small, ginger, distincly pissed looking kitten\

_Oh, your for it!_

Merlin scowled

"Yes I noticed! Arthur's gonna kill me!" The kitten narrowed it's eyes and tapped it's paw, Merlin scowled at it

"Stop looking at me like that! Okay fine I'll turn you back...eventually" The voice chuckled

_Oh, we're evil aren't we?_

Merlin grinned evilly

"Very" The kitten did a 'kitten grin' before hissing and attacking the raven. Merlin yelped

"FINE! I'll turn you back. If you promise not to kill me" Suddenly a cold voice sounded behind him

"He won't need to! I, Uther Pendragon sentence you, Merlin to death for turning my son into a kitten!"

_Oh snap!_


	13. Chapter 13 Salmon Prt 1

Leon handed Merlin the crossbow and asked what the job was

"To kill Arthur"

_He's really gonna do it_

"Driving you mad is he?" asked the knight cheerfully. Merlin grinned

"Not for much longer"

_He's serious!...Ooh! Leave the crossbow! I have a salmon!_

Merlin dropped the weapon and frowned

"How do you kill with a salmon?' he asked

_You can't but..._

The voice whispered into his ear

Slowly, Merlin grinned evilly


	14. Chapter 14 Salmon Prt2

Arthur sat at his desk in his chambers, not knowing of the danger that was lurking in his manservant's jacket pocket.

_That sounds weird_

Arthur shrugged and sniffed

"What is that smell? Merlin it stinks!" he cried. Merlin smirked, and withdrew the fish from his pocket. It waved limply in the air

"Why do you have a fish in your pocket Merlin?"

_When you put it like that it sounds really strange._

Merlin shrugged and lifted the fish to behind his shoulder before bringing it slapping into the kings face

_YEAH YOU KILL HIM MERLIE!_

Guinevere walked in to see Merlin slapping Arthur with a wet, smelly fish. She sniffed once and ran out, leaving Arthur to his fishy fate...

**End**


	15. Chapter 15 Spiders

Arthur shrieked and immediately on the alert for assassins, Merlin ran into the room

"WHAT'S WRONG ARTHUR?" he cried. Arthur clung to Merlin and sobbed

"Merlin...it was so terrifying...never been so scared"

_Drama king_

Merlin wondered absentmindedly what this terrifying thing was

_It's absolutely hilarious!_

"Don't be horrible...it was you wasn't it!" he accused the voice

_NO! Well...it may have been...only a little bit!_

"Oh you are doomed! Arthur, what did she do to you?" he asked calmly. Arthur looked up, terrified once more

"She put a spider in my bath!"


	16. Chapter 16 The 'Axe' factor

AN:Things in bold are my friend. Things in bold and italics are both of us.

_...and then I said that Simon Cowell SUCKS ROYAL HIPPOGRIFF!_

**I know right!**

Merlin finally lost his temper, these two had been going on about something called the 'Axe Factor' or 'The Ex Factor', something along those lines anyway...

"WILL YOU SHUT UP?" He roared. He heard two giggles

_Ooh! Is he going to go all BAMF! Warlock on us?_ Asked one

**I think he is!** Giggled the other. Merlin groaned

"BE QUIET OR I WILL CALL KILGARRAH!" he shouted. There was a brief silence befpre Arthur strode in

"Who's Kilgarrah?"

_**Well**_,

"ARGHHHHHHHH!"


	17. Chapter 17 ITS A STARTLED PENGUIN!

Mordred put on his mask and looked up at Merlin, when he heard a squeal

_OH MY GOD! IT'S A STARTLED PENGUIN!_

"Excuse me?" He said, looking up offended at the sky, where the voice had come from

_Oh, sorry, you just look like someone surprised Mumble from Happy Feet,_ it said. He glanced at Merlin with his 'What is going ON?' Face. Merlin just snickered

"Just be thankful that she doesnt think your adorable" he muttered. Mordred was about to ask 'What the hell?' When the voice ramg out again

_Awww! dont you just ooze cuteness! You look like a little baby penguin! _

"Oh dear god"


	18. Chapter 18 well, that was

"J-just...hold me"

_*sniffles and sobs quietly* you can't j-just...d-die!_

"Please, just, hold me"

_NO! YOU CAN'T DIE! I WON'T LET YOU_

Suddenly Arthur sat up "LET ME HAVE MY GODDAMN DEATH SCENE OKAY?" he then lay back down and resumed looking pale and dealthy

_Well...that was...um..._


	19. Chapter 19 Leaving the fandom

_Uh...guys?_

Merlin and the knights looked up "yes?"

_Uh...I'm leaving the fandom..._

"WHAT?!" they yelled

_It's not my fault that Andrew Garfield is awesome!_

"YES IT IS!"

_I'm so sorry!_

And with that the voice flounced off, leaving the Knights to sob over their embroidery...

**A/N DON'T WORRY! I am not leaving! The plot bunnies wouldn't go away...**


	20. Chapter 20 Hello my lovelies

_HELLO MY LOVELIES! How are you all?_

The knights looked up, Percival stopped knitting

"What do you care?!" he asked "You left us!"

_Yes, well,_ the voice started uncomfortably_I was busy_

The knights glared

"YOU LEFT US FOR ANOTHER FANDOM!" they yelled**.**

_NO! I WAS PLANNING MERLIN'S BIRTHDAY! _

"Say WHAT?!"


End file.
